The stories of the suicides of five gay teenagers over the last few weeks hit me like a rock, as both the former victim of middle-school bullying and as the straight friend who people tend to come out to. I can sympathize with what they went through, and know at the same time that my experiences (constantly teased for my weight, nerdiness, and overall awkwardness, gradually giving way to just cold ostracization by the people I thought were my friends) is nothing compared to the message sent to these kids by their peers--that their whole identity is shameful and wrong.
Among all the ridiculous talking points emanating from Tea Bag Land on this issue, however, there is one talking point that is just so insidious that it needs to be publicly ripped to shreds, even though I know no one here is dumb enough to believe it.
Click on any news story about the suicides, and I guarantee you'll see at least one version of:
"Those kids just need to toughen up."
"Why don't they just fight right back? Sissies."
"Bullying is just a part of life. These kids today are just too sensitive."
And so on. But it doesn't take a genius to see why what's happening now is completely different from what I or others experienced growing up. Here's why these statements are so wrong and insidious.
A. THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT OK.
That I or anyone else was bullied in the past doesn't make it acceptable behavior. It was wrong then and it's wrong now. It's a logical fallacy to suggest that just because something happened in the past, that it must be an understood part of life. I thought everyone was supposed to want better for their children than to have to deal with what they went through?
Maybe it's true that "kids will be kids," but it's equally true in that case that adults have the responsibility to lay out what is and what is not appropriate behavior. If the tables had been turned when I was growing up, and I had bullied anyone, I know exactly how my mother would have reacted. I would have been sent over to the other kid's house to apologize...with my backside likely still sore. And I imagine most parents don't actively teach their children that it's acceptable to bully other kids for being different.
Unless, of course, the parents themselves bully others for being different. Which leads me to the next point:
B. THE BASIS FOR THIS FORM OF BULLYING MAKES IT DIFFERENT.
I'm going to let Sarah Silverman make this point for me, since she cuts right through to the heart of the matter:
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There may be abstract societal issues that encourage the ostracization of kids based on their appearance or personalities. But there's nothing abstract about where this particular animus towards gay youth is coming from. It's coming directly from the parents, the churches, and the conservative pundits and politicians who preach that being gay makes you less than fully human. The kids hear that their classmates' very identity is something wrong, immoral, "disgusting," and undeserving to be fully part of society. It's no wonder that they internalize the message when the ostracization of GLBT people is tacitly condoned if not outright encouraged by a large chunk of society.
Hell, look at the statements that led me to write this diary in the first place. The words..."sissy, sensitive, not tough enough"...you don't need to be a dog to hear the dog-whistle there. The youth who were tormented into thinking suicide was the only way out had it coming, not because of anything they did but because of who they were.
C. THE TECHNOLOGY MAKES IT DIFFERENT.
There's been a lot of hand-wringing in the media over cyber-bullying, but I really think there is something to it. When I was growing up, I'd go home at the end of the school day and that would be the end of the bullying, at least until the next day. But with the new technologies, the bullies have no boundaries anymore. They can follow their victims home and pop right out of the computer screen. I can't even imagine having to go through middle school now, with the pervasive use of Facebook and text messaging. Now you can't even expect that what you do in the privacy of your own dorm room to remain private anymore.
Those who would say that these kids need to "toughen up," as if we were simply dealing with a little rough-horsing on the playground, have no earthly conception of what it is to not only be bullied, but to be bullied with no escape or sanctuary. Again, though, these are generally the same people who would encourage this form of bullying.
D. FIGHT BACK? AND THEN WHAT?
What would conservatives have these kids do? Remember, if you call someone out on their homophobia, then that makes you an anti-Christian bigot. And at any rate, how are you going to fight back when you're completely outnumbered and the schools have shown themselves to be completely indifferent (as happened in a few of these cases)?
Besides, at least in my experience and those of others I've spoken to, it always seems to be the kid who retaliates against being bullied who ends up in the principal's office. A close friend's brother was expelled from his school for breaking the nose of a kid who called him the f-word. If the schools have already demonstrated that they're not going to do anything to stop the bullies, who's to think they'll tolerate a disruption of the status quo?
I think the answer is clear...they want these kids to just suffer in silence and not assert themselves, but also not to do anything that might shed a light on their own homophobia. Just like what they want from all members of the GLBT community.
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I firmly believe that straight people are at a moment of truth right now, not entirely different from the moment of truth that confronted white people in the 1960s along with the images of Bull Connor and the fire hose, when the consequences of continuing to keep silent and not stand alongside the GLBT community becomes clear. That it took the deaths of five youth (and those are the ones we know about) to get to this point should be a black mark on this country. But it should be perfectly clear that now is the time to stand up and say that bullying is not just a "part of life," that it does not need to be tolerated, and that the people who encourage it need to be called out for what they are.
It's not the kids who need to toughen up. It's the grown-ups.